“I love you, but you need a makeover.”
“I love you, but I wish you’d mow the lawn.”
“I love you, but I don’t want to work with you.”
“I love you, but you’re a fashion disaster.’
“I love you, but I want you to change…”
How often do we offer up, “I love you, but…”
Nearly annually for the past fifteen years of our twenty-eight year marriage, I manage to ask this question at some point during our anniversary celebration, “What changes would you like me to make to make our marriage even better for you?”
After all, it’s great to work on self-improvement, right!?!
Really, my intentions are good. I want to know what would make Doug even happier. And, I want him to know what would make me happier.
Doug’s response, consistent if not especially illuminating, is, “Nothing. I love you…period.” Sometimes, his response is kind of frustrating because I really do want to change in ways important to him.
“Are you sure,” I ask. “Cause there are several things I want to mention to you…” And then I dig into my purse for that list.
Just the other day, this annual conversation popped into my memory; and though Doug and I laugh about it every year, I realize that I’m telling him, “I love you, but…”
That “but” tells Doug that something is lacking, that he’s not enough as he is.
Then I thought about what Doug says to me. “I love you…period.”
There’s real comfort in that statement. He’s telling me that I’m enough as I am.
Which of us has the firmer grip on truly celebrating the strength of our relationship?
What does your “I love you” say in your relationships? Is there something that you want to change to express even more joy and acceptance of those you most love and hold dear?
I do. And I’m not going to wait. Now is the time to call Doug and say, “I love you…period.”
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