GOMO! Buddies

You are One of the Beautiful People

Seth Godin, an international marketing wizard, just wrote a blog on beauty as a way to stand out, receive attention.

He gives examples of the huge investments that we make in beauty, from $200 hair cuts to expensive empty (but beautiful) atriums to lovely presentations of pricey gourmet meals.

Beauty grabs attention; beauty has a payoff—for men and women and children and babies.

Try GOMO! for an investment that creates beauty. A commitment to the truth, love in action, and forgiveness are pieces of beauty that start from within. Over time, their beauty shines in our faces. You know what I mean, don’t you? Just take a moment to remember someone who is enduringly beautiful to you. GOMO!’s ever present invitation to release grudges, relinquish bitterness, and refuse anger is a beauty treatment through the ages for all ages.

Godin asks, “Do you make something beautiful?”

You know that you can.

Take the $200 for the haircut and give it away. Write a note of appreciation to a dear friend. Refuse to be drawn into gossip. Your uncommon beauty increases.

Anger, bitterness, frustration, impatience, arrogance, humiliation—these are ugly pieces that are around us nearly everyday. How will GOMO! make you more beautiful?

Can You See Beyond the Trouble?

Life is often a hassle.

Our days bring little struggles…

• Slowed down by a snowstorm- a trip took five hours instead of three
• My brand new phone came with a battery that was “dead”
• My son’s flight was delayed five hours

And there are the bigger issues…

• A friend is facing eighteen months of rehabilitation on her shoulder after a fall
• Another friend lost her home in the recent mortgage meltdown
• A third friend’s young son died in his sleep a few months ago

When daily dilemmas occur and build up, when life’s traumas feel overwhelming, so many of us ask, “What is the point?”

May I respond with a perspective from a spiritual point of view as we welcome a new year that will also have its share of hassles and blessings?

God creates life as a gift. The gift of life is obscured by life’s challenges and problems. Still, most of us agree that, despite its share of tragedies and sadness, life is a gift.

So what brings us back to the clarity of life as a gift?

GOMO! can help. Get Over it; Move On! is an amazing strategy for remembering that we have choices about nearly anything we face. GOMO! gives a fresh start in the midst of difficult circumstances if we want to live life as a gift. GOMO! reminds us that we get to choose whether life is lived as a burden or a blessing.

Several weeks ago, a wise friend reminded me of the difference between the two. Those of us who waste our struggles and sink into bitterness live life as a victim. Those who refuse the bitter path and give God the opportunity to make things better live more victoriously.

Look around you. Or, look within. I think you’ll agree.

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The Past is Not Your Destination

Woulda, coulda, shoulda….

If only I had, wish I had, why didn’t I …

Missed opportunities, lost opportunities, broken dreams…

Are any of these thoughts that cross your mind? Do they create emotional baggage? They sure do in me.

If I take a walk down memory lane with any set of these phrases, the memories of what might have been grow heavy. Gathered round the conference table in my head, I revisit old hurts, careless words, broken promises, and unrealized dreams. And the heavy memories lead to a load of guilt, sadness, and bitterness.

It’s like carrying around a sack of rocks- small ones, baseball sized, and even small boulders. I’m tired of the heavy lifting; and there is a tangible outcome to this emotional weight. Complaining, obsessing, and over-analyzing are the first three that immediately jump to mind.

The worrying and the fretting does nothing to free the rocks from their dark, airless “home” in the sack; they just shift around, redistributing the weight and distress. Way too much time and energy is squandered —it’s as though I’m giving resources to a direction that has no valuable return.

A path to a weary past is not my destination. My eyes are focused on the path of hope to my future. And I make that hope more tangible through the gift of GOMO!- Get Over it (each difficult memory); Move On! (to behaviors that build personal strength and freedom).

Each time that I’m encouraged to Get Over it- whether a current annoyance or a past grief, I have the chance to make decisions for healing. The character of GOMO! unbinds the negative and allows its release; and then, GOMO! invites restoration. With every Move On! strategy that builds greater strength, I move further away from the burden of regrets and on to multiple, life giving blessings that include joy, peace, patience and love.

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GOMO! Removes Isolation and Rebuilds Connection

Shame over being fired.
Shame about an attempted suicide.
Shame over drug abuse.
Shame about needing medication.
Shame over a lie.
Shame about a handicap.
Shame over a lost championship game.
Shame about sexual behavior.
Shame over a lost opportunity.
Shame about a divorce.
Shame over a conflict with a friend.
Shame about a business failure.

You’ve just read a quick list of twelve situations that have led to shame for many. What would you add? These are varying issues to varying degrees, but still, a very real emotion that’s emerged in each one is shame. Sadly, tragically, shame isolates. The more our shame takes us captive, the more we distance our true selves from others.

Here’s a perspective that so many of us take:
Whatever the error I view as so grievous, I can hardly forgive myself, so I certainly don’t think that you can fully forgive me especially if you’ve been hurt by my actions. So, with shame, I pull away from our relationship.

Often concurrent with shame, we have an emotional free-for-all with guilt, anger, frustration, humiliation- all of these are emotions that we carry around with us as though they define us. Many of us, with our self imposed labels, believe that we come up short in comparison to others. Our comparisons make us less honest, less vulnerable, and less authentic in our relationships.

The end result is more isolation.

Here’s a real thinking question- one that may stay with you for a few hours.

To what extent do you allow ongoing shame to be a primary consequence of your mistakes?

Return to GOMO! to acknowledge the issue, seek forgiveness or apology, and move on to self-forgiveness in the form of love and mercy.

It may be that fully forgiving oneself is one of the hardest things that any of us ever do. On the other hand, it’s one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself. Your self-forgiveness is also a magnificent gift to others.

Let me explain.

Self-forgiveness isn’t saying that your error or bad behavior is okay. Self-forgiveness is a decision to learn from your error to build greater personal strength. It’s about getting over what weakens you psychically, emotionally, spiritually, and even, physically so that you have the emotional space to move on with renewed power and confidence and faith in yourself.

Getting over your “it” gives you the emotional freedom to draw closer to others. Self-forgiveness is honoring yourself as a person worthy of dignity and respect, so that you take that honoring into other relationships and your future beliefs, behaviors and actions.

Invite GOMO! in again. Use Get Over it; Move On! to evaluate your situation for a more realistic and fair resolution. Be grateful for the GOMO! power that allows you to get over your it and move on with power.

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GOMO! is a Key to Greater Personal Happiness

When you remember that joy is a state of being and happiness is a condition, it’s pretty cool to realize that both “Get Over it” and “Move On!” increase your joy and your happiness.

There’s good reason to have happiness on my mind. Gas prices shot up fifteen cents per gallon yesterday, “guaranteed” vacation plans aren’t working out after all, and my GOMO! manuscript still hasn’t found a publishing home. Tentacles of alarm, disappointment, and discouragement are reaching for me, threatening to rob me of my happiness...

A few days ago, I read an online article about happiness by Edward M. Hallowell. His definition of happiness makes a lot of sense. “Happiness is the capacity to enjoy what you have, rather than always wanting what you don’t have.”

In the time it takes for gas prices to go up again, I remember that happiness is a decision. And the more that we make a decision for happiness, the more our lives fill up with joy.

Here’s a brief story to underscore this truth. A wise tribal elder was asked about the secret to happiness by a student. A quiet moment passed and then he responded, “You want to be happy? Be happy.”

Make happiness your decision.  Choose to Get Over what's bugging you. Decide to move on and remove the obstacles blocking your happiness (and your goals as well!).

Research supports that we can learn to be happy- that’s good news for any of us who work with Charlie Browns and Eyores in daily life (Read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman  and Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert.)  We can choose strategies that increase our personal happiness and joy with a goal of influencing others’ moods as well!

These *strategies are just five of dozens to consider for greater happiness and lifelong joy:

1. Create a personal mission statement. Identify what you believe, and what you want to achieve in your life. Your values and the principles by which you live provide the foundation for your statement. Your statement guides the focus and execution of your goals and accomplishments. (For assistance in creating your own mission statement click here or pick up a copy of The Path by Laurie Beth Jones for additional and valuable help).
2. Reflect on what you value as recognition and reward. Though many of us look to money as a reward, studies on happiness reinforce that “money can’t buy happiness.” Money is an external reward- temporal and at risk. Internal rewards such as building trustful relationships, building competencies, building faith, and enjoying healthy relationships are lasting rewards that continue to grow and bless our lives throughout our lives.
3. Extend a helping hand to others. Studies support that we experience greater happiness when we serve others. A long respected businessman and speaker, Earl Nightingale expressed, “Pay attention to your contribution and your rewards will take care of themselves.” In serving others, we make connections with others. And, connections that are based in genuine care are a key to happiness.
4. Avoid focusing on problems. Solve them, or turn them into opportunities for learning and growth. Viewing a challenge as a “problem” creates a scarcity perspective that dilutes personal power and influence. David Geer, a friend in ministry, emphasizes, “make better what is.” Let go of a “problem” in order to re-frame an “opportunity” for more creative thinking and progress. Mastery over our challenges builds competence and confidence- qualities that are transformational for motivation and personal success.
5. Avoid naysayers. Flee from others’ fears and negativism. You don’t have to flee from the people; just flee from their negative perspective. Refuse to let others rain on your parade; create your own weather for your life! Mary Andringa, President of Vermeer Manufacturing in Pella, Iowa, made this observation. “Move away from those who exude negativity; move to those who encourage and challenge you. It’s important to accept others, but if someone is not good for you, take the personal responsibility to make a choice that improves your condition.”

*You might wonder how much time it takes to follow through on these strategies. Here’s a shot at giving you that information.
#1- Creating your personal mission statement- I’ll bet you could complete an initial and meaningful statement within 60-90 minutes.
#2- This you can do as your last thinking before you fall asleep tonight. Or, if you tend to wake up during the night, give it some thought then.
#3- Take action on this as soon as you finish reading the blog!
#4- What is a problem that you are facing right now? Write it down; and take just two minutes to re-frame it with a solution or as a new opportunity.
#5. You may be the naysayer that you need to flee- I know that I have had that role in my own life. Write down the one most negative statement that you most often say to yourself. Then, in red, write, “NO MORE” over it. Post it; and use it as a reminder to build a new habit.

Photo Credit: daintytime

Name and Claim the Fear to Make GOMO! Work for You

     Yesterday, a client told me that she has a goal of moving to California in the next year. She has a vision of moving, she is actively saving money, and she is thinking through the impact of such a significant move from the Midwest to the West Coast.

     As we continued to talk about this goal, her words and voice became more tentative. When I asked her about that, she responded, “I’m afraid. I know I want to do this, but I’m afraid.”

     “Afraid of what?” I asked.

And then a partial list of her fears emerged:

• Fear of not accomplishing her goal.
• Fear of not having the needed money to accomplish the goal.
• Uncertainty about her courage to make the move.
• Uncertainty about whether this is her most important goal.
• Doubt about her skills to find a job in California to support her move.
• Doubt about whether this is a “good” goal to have.

     It was valuable for her to name her fears more specifically because now she can “unpack” each one to consider how real it is for her. “Get Over it; Move On!” is a pretty steep challenge when the obstacle facing us is, “I’m afraid.” The generality of the statement makes the fear loom in size. Its bigness makes it seem unresolvable. Without specificity, we continue with our negative thoughts of, “I’m too small to have an impact”, “I feel helpless to do anything,” or “I’m a victim to my circumstances.” Our negative thoughts weaken us. They weaken our emotional strength, our intellectual strength, and our resolve to make progress. Most obstacles in our lives can have some peaceful resolution if we can name them and claim them to make them more manageable.

     Do you have a challenge with a parallel to the one expressed above? Is there a relationship or goal challenge that leaves you feeling helpless?

     Try naming it more specifically. Give it a narrower focus. And then take action to identify steps that can help you resolve your challenge step by step by step.

     Need a gentle boost? Email me with your dilemma; and I’ll be glad to share strategies specific to your need.

photo credit: grisostomo

GOMO! the Past for a More Powerful Present

     Have you ever thought about how you can use GOMO! with critical feedback that you receive?

     Last week, one of my clients did. He received painful and startling information from his colleagues about his interactions with them and his contributions as a team member. He gave an insightful GOMO! statement about the feedback from his colleagues,
“Susan, this questionnaire was the most painful part of this experience; and it is the most valuable.”

     Are you noticing the verb tenses?

     In his statement, this man expresses his decision to “Get Over” the pain of the feedback when he puts the discomfort of the questionnaire that “was the most painful part of this experience” in the past. Then he gives his decision to “Move On” by expressing that “it is the most valuable” part of this experience as well. He went on to make a comment about the value of what he learned about himself through others’ eyes. 

     His words impress me.

     I’m now thinking about one of my GOMO! situations where I am Moving On. Really, I am. Sort of. But I find that I still make trips into the past to revisit the details of what I’m trying to “Get Over.” Does your meandering down memory lane evoke negative memories that block your progress for moving on with strength? Mine does. I sometimes find myself keeping one foot mired in the quicksand of the past, while trying to leap with confidence into my future. Guess what? I don’t have much momentum with that strategy.

     My periodic pity parties are not much fun. I get too caught up in “wish I had,” “should have done,” and “if only I had known.” That thinking into what might have been clouds my strength for what I do in this present moment.

     My client’s insightful observation is a valuable reminder to keep the past in the past (Done! Finished!), so that I live in the present moment with freedom and joy. Though I truly cannot change “yesterday,” I can and will face forward with GOMOmentum for a powerful day today. Will you?

Photo credit: Silly Rabbit

Breaking Free!

      A few days ago, a client bemoaned, “I’m just stuck with where I am in my life. I know what I should do, but I just don’t do it. Making changes would be better for me, but what I’m doing is just too comfortable to change.”

     Uh-huh. Yep. Most of us can agree that we’ve been in the same thinking mode a time or two…or twenty!

     Here’s a key reason that we stay “stuck” with what we’re doing rather than moving on with changes that could/would improve our condition. When results of what you do right now give you immediate satisfaction, those results mean more to you than results that are in the future, impersonal and may or may not happen.

     So, my client’s habit of just talking about her desire to be more honest with her significant other rather than actually doing it is a way to stay in her immediate comfort zone. After all, she’s maintaining the status quo, no feathers are getting ruffled, and her S.O. isn’t disagreeing about feelings and thoughts that she isn’t expressing. If she makes the change to open up more about what she thinks, she is taking risk in the relationship. Maybe her thoughts won’t be acceptable to her boyfriend. Maybe he’ll reject her. Maybe he won’t even listen. Or…maybe he will. Maybe he’ll be glad that she’s showing some strength. Maybe he’s been wishing that she had more backbone. But that future condition is unknown and undetermined compared to what she currently understands and knows to be true for her.

     As I listened to my client’s words, I started thinking about strategies that have helped other clients Get Over it (a current comfort zone) to position their thinking to Move On! to more personally powerful actions that could improve their circumstances. The challenge is for each of us to shift our mindset to planning for a potentially better future rather than for settling for what we know that we have in our present.

     How can we do that? Here are five ideas to help shift happen. Which of these strategies are useful to you as you consider breaking free from one of your comfort zones that just isn’t doing enough for you anymore?

1. Broaden your world by what you see, smell, taste, hear and feel. Use more color, listen to more varieties of music, read a different kind of book, try new foods, and change the side of the bed where you sleep at night. Inject changes in daily habits to get used to change so that changes in your life are viewed as less threatening.
2. Put cues close at hand to remind you of changes that you want to make. Write notes as reminders or use pictures or even keep certain objects around to remind you of your desires to change. For example, an executive who needed to be less demanding and more collaborative kept a cow (“bossy”) on his desk as a reminder. Another client who needed to lighten up began using colored Sharpie™ pens rather than his typical black ones. Still another client who needed to speak up more placed a small megaphone on her desk as a daily reminder.
3. Take on the persona of a different person when thinking through an issue. How would you respond if you were David Letterman? Brittney Spears? Your mother?
4. Take uncommon physical positions to break out of comfort zones. One politician who needed help with his public speaking skills adamantly agreed that practicing his speech with his eyes closed forced him to think in a more expressive, animated way since he couldn’t “see” anything or anyone around him.
5. Vary routines regularly! Take different routes to work, eat eggs for dinner and dessert at breakfast, invite others to go in front of you in lines—there are so many small changes that you  can make in your daily life to acclimate yourself to bigger changes as they come.

     As we close, remember that the key idea is to seek strategies that help you break free of routines and habits so that you are more receptive to embracing change when that change means an improved condition.

     Hello for now!   

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When we know that GOMO! is a choice, we no longer are victims to our circumstances…

GOMO! is a five step process:
Get connected with your feelings
Own the facts
Make a decision for release
Opt for action
!Move on with strength

     Once we connect with our real feelings and identify the facts to the best of our ability about the “it” that has become an obstacle, the next step of GOMO! is to accept the personal responsibility of making a decision to release our pain. Often, that decision needs an apology or forgiveness as part of the closure to “Get Over it.”

     Make a decision for release. Is this decision as easy as “yes” or “no”? Well, it depends. Sometimes, yes, and sometimes, no. Then there are times when the answer is, “Not yet. I need to think about it.”

     During Christmas a few years ago, my father-in-law was visiting us. He is a kind and gentle man. But, like many of us, sometimes he doesn’t think carefully about his words before he says them. One evening at dinner, my nine-year-old daughter, Breanne, was helping me serve the soup. My father-in-law was already seated at the table with my husband and son. As Breanne was getting ready to serve her grandfather, a bit of the soup sloshed over the bowl and onto the plate. “Dads” (Grandpa) teasingly, but with a bite to his words, said, “Boy, we wouldn’t let you serve soup to us at our place. You’re too sloppy to be our waitress.”

     Breanne just barely glanced at her grandfather, tears filling her eyes as she ran from the room. I quickly followed her to our bedroom, where she had plopped down on the floor next to our bed; head down in her lap, with arms wrapped around her knees, crying. Kneeling beside her, I offered, “Breanne, look at me. Dads didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I know those weren’t kind words, but he really was trying to tease you—not hurt you. Can you forgive him? Could this be a GOMO!?” Breanne lifted her head, looked me in the eye with tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, “Well, maybe it’s a GOMO!, but I’m not ready to do that right now. I need to think about it.”

     Fair enough.

     We’ve now come to an incredibly powerful point.

     GOMO! is a choice. Let’s be honest. If we choose to hold on to worry or frustration, even anger, then we are no longer victims to our feelings. We can decide to focus on our pain, or we can make the decision to heal. Though the GOMO! way is the healing way and freedom’s way, we sometimes want time before making the decision to “Get Over it.”

     Clearly, the decision is a life-changing one. It’s a decision for giving up our freedom to cling to our hurt, or a decision to let go of that grudge for renewed freedom and personal strength. Are you ready to make the choice to let go and GOMO!?

photo credit: born1945

technorati tags: GOMO!, Susan B Wilson, choices, apology, decision, victim

I Feel the Freedom of GOMO!

Recently, I talked with Dr. Clarence Shuler, an expert on diversity issues and building marital strength. In our conversation, we discussed several pieces of truth that can make a GOMO! (Get Over it; Move On) decision stick.

Thanks to the conversation, I experienced a remarkable healing from a deeply painful, emotional childhood wound that surfaced with vengeance three weeks ago. 

How can I not share his wisdom with you? His counsel led to a true GOMO!- I feel the freedom!

• There is no logic to wrongdoing. Repeatedly asking “why” someone did something bad to you, trying to grasp at some “good reason,” is not helpful in most situations. Often we think that we can “get over,” the tragedy or bad circumstance at hand if we can just understand why it happened. From a godly perspective, there is no good reason for wrong actions, so an answer to resolve your “why” will not emerge. Let that need go; it is not under your control.
• Make the decision to ask for and even give blessings to those who hurt you in addition to forgiving them. Go beyond the minimum. Build emotional strength by exercising your choice for love, joy, goodness, kindness…well, you probably get the picture. Make this decision; it is under your control.
• “Don't let the pain of the past punish your present, paralyze your future, or pervert the purpose for which you were created” (Dr. Clarence Shuler).  Well, when he puts it that way…I pay more attention. I’m simply not willing for a past wrong that I didn’t ask for, invite, want, or perpetrate have ongoing influence in my life.

I was created for good works and blessings, not pain and twisted thinking. How about you? The decision is yours.

Photo credit: James Neeley

technorati tags: GOMO, Susan Wilson, Clarence Shuler, forgiveness, purpose, emotional strength, get over it