GOMO! Buddies

GOMO! Trumps Fear

“Never make a decision out of fear.”
— Robin Kirby, Principal of Loving Impact

GOMO! trumps fear to improve our decision-making. If you think about it, I’ll bet examples of this truth shine in your life. Here’s one of mine. Four years ago, our family faced a life changing decision. Maytag Corporation, absorbed by Whirlpool Corporation, was leaving our Iowa community. Like many, we faced decisions about uncertain employment, a gut wrenching move, and the emotional turmoil of leaving the known for the unknown.

Many of us find ourselves facing significant life-changing decisions. We face transition and turmoil in different directions. Change in the economy has hurt many in real ways. We’re fearful about the cost of food and housing. We’re fearful about healthcare, war, and taxes. We’re fearful about crime, freakish weather, and terrorist attacks. Fear paralyzes our decision making.

The steps of GOMO! (Get Over it; Move On!) invite us to think through the feelings and facts about our circumstances so that we get over the noise of paralyzing fear and move on to the personal decisions we can make for happier, healthier living.

GOMO! is an opportunity:

• to get over what used to be and move on to what is.
• for confident action that we can take right now to improve their lives.
• to recognize that challenges strengthen us when approached with a GOMO! mindset rather than a variable mood that depends on external circumstances.

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GOMO! Gives a New Reality

Magicians are all about illusions. Sawing people in half, making things vanish, and pulling money from your ears—all of these tricks look real; but there’s a fast hand, fast thinking, and great timing that pulls them off.

Many of us are magicians without even realizing it. Some of us work constantly to maintain illusions for the outside world to see that are very different from the reality that we feel inside of ourselves.

Do you use money, career, material things, vacations, and your social circles to prove your worth? Have you discovered that, despite these outward and visible signs of worldly success, you are still feeling empty?

Just read a few of the comments that have come from the mouths of clients. A couple of them sound similar to things I’ve felt- how about you?

“I’ve gotten everything that I thought I wanted in life, but it turns out that this isn’t what I really wanted after all.”

“I’d give up most of what’s in the bank to have a real relationship with my son.”

“Even though I’ve been on championship teams, the successful feeling wears off after a few days.”

“I don’t seem to have any real friends. The only social relationships I have are with people because of meetings and committees and my husband’s work.”

“I thought I’d be happier by the time I was this age.”

Can you “Get Over” the stuff that may look good to others, but doesn’t actually give much “good” to you? Can you “Move On!” to making decisions with your time and energy and talent that are more in line with real meaning for your life? Get Over the illusions, and Move On! to a new reality- a reality that radiates from the inside, out.

“The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty...The ordinary objects of human endeavor-property, outward success, luxury-have always seemed to me contemptible.”  --Albert Einstein

photo credit: Albert Gonzales Farran

Grudges that Block Goals need a GOMO!

Last week’s blog is still on my mind- the one about releasing grudges for emotional freedom. There’s little question that grudges hurt relationships, but do you ever think about how grudges impact your goals? Grudges often lead to unwarranted fears, barriers and blunders as we work toward our goals.

The second edition of my first book was recently released, Goal Setting: How to Create An Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals (AMACOM, 2008). As I was leafing through it, the chapter discussing fears that block our goals grabbed my attention again. I reread it and then took a walk down memory lane.

Seventeen years ago, our family moved to central Iowa, a long day’s drive from my mother’s home in North Carolina. The first night in town, my stepfather called the hotel. His message was short and to the point. My mom’s cancer was going to kill her. He asked me to pass the news to my brothers as soon as possible. In one of those calls, my voice trembled a bit as I held back tears; and a brother responded, “Don’t go getting all emotional on me; just give me the facts.” 

I didn’t tell him what I thought about his comment, but I thought plenty about it in the privacy of my head-- none of it pretty. And a decision was made. Never again would he have an opportunity to admonish me about getting “emotional”.

You probably know where this is headed, right?

Because of that decision, I avoided interactions with him, and I built a skill of holding any “negative” emotion in check when we spoke.

Can consistent and nearly constant stoicism and optimism block a goal? My answer is, “yes.”

One of my ongoing goals is building healthy, honest, and trustworthy relationships throughout my relationships. The promise to “never again” put myself in a position for “him” to observe and possibly critique my emotions meant less honesty in several interactions. Rather than reveal my true thoughts and feelings, I stashed them. Not surprisingly, the stash became emotional trash. Stifling honest emotion led to suppressed anger and simmering angst. Despite overt positive behavior to “forgive and forget;” the unspoken reality was loss of relationship as a grudge gained power over forgiveness and an emotional lie trumped emotional truth.

Is that a “piece of crazy”? I think so. What kind of “crazy” do you need to get over so that you move on with purity towards a goal that’s important to you?

photo credit: nanasupergirl

Just a Few More Thoughts On Quitting a Goal for Your Own Good

 Shortly after our initial interview, Laurie contacted me again to ask just a few more questions. So let’s finish up this series with these final (at least, for now!) thoughts on quitting goals.

How do you deal with the guilt, anxiety or regret that quitting produces? 

Here are a couple of ideas that have worked for me. Not too long ago, I made the decision to quit doing any major running. I had a very private goal of taking a shot at running a half marathon; but frankly, I just didn’t have enough desire and the training hurt! Rather than going to the equation of quitting = loser, I accepted the equation of quitting = smart decision for my knees and for freeing up time and energy for other goals that I desire even more. How could this strategy work for you?

Secondly, I’m really big on paying attention to the power of our language. What exactly are we saying to ourselves that produces that guilt, anxiety or regret? With my decision to quit the goal of running a half marathon, I invited a mental response that was more respectful of myself rather than shaming.

Are there lessons we can learn from people who give up for their own good? 

I suspect that people who are confident that they are giving up something for their own good don’t see the “giving up” as loss nearly as much. After all, if you give up something for your own good, aren’t you better off?

photo credit: chingclarachan

And the Winner of the Free Goal Setting Book is...

Cindi Neubauer from Ankeny, IA! 

Cindi says she is looking forward to using Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals as she and family members make a number of transitions in their lives.  Congratulations Cindi! 

Thanks to all who entered!

"If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up someplace else."-- Yogi Berra

Give Your Goal a GOMO! If it’s No Longer Working for You - Part 2

In last week’s blog, I promised to share more from the interview with *Laurie Kienlen, a freelance writer living off of the coast of British Columbia. Her article, Giving Up For Your Own Good: When Quitting Is The Healthiest Choice, will soon be published  Psychologies (a United Kingdom based magazine).

Laurie asked several thought provoking questions related to giving up on goals. She commented that, “Some people seem to experience very little anxiety when they walk away from situations that aren’t productive for them. What is their mindset, and how can we learn from them?” I love this question. It makes me think about what it means to be a "good quitter."

Here are five specific behaviors of a good quitter:

1. Someone who realistically considers the value of quitting vs. the value of keeping on keeping on.
2. Someone who recognizes the difference between "beating her head against a wall" vs. reasoned determination to achieve something valuable to her.
3. Someone who recognizes that a particular goal defines only a piece of who he is, and that he is so much more than one goal.
4. Someone who is comfortable with the fact that conditions change, and she embraces the strength of flexibility and the need to “change gears” when warranted
5. Someone who makes his own decisions rather than trying to please others.

 
How can we learn to differentiate between unhealthy or unachievable goals?

In the book Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals, you can read a list of strategies (page 22) for achieving your goals. If you agree with the following statements as you consider your goal, then you probably have a healthy goal in front of you.

1. I know the resources that I need to achieve my goal.
2. I work with goals that are compatible with one another.
3. I can easily ask for help with my goal.
4. I accept the responsibility for working toward my goal.
5. I minimize interruptions that get in the way of reaching my goals.
6. I am flexible to changes that affect my progress.
7. I know the benefits of reaching my goal.
8. I am persistent in my efforts.
9. I review my progress toward my goals on a regular basis.
10. I focus on activities that are related to reaching my goal.

 
What is the difference between totally giving up versus letting go of what’s not working? 

Rarely do I believe that someone "totally gives up." First of all, rarely are absolutes accurate. Quit using them. Secondly, remember that, most of the time, we've learned valuable skills and/or insights by the time that we decide to let go of a goal. Therefore it's nearly impossible to say that you have “totally” give up. Most often, you take something of value from your effort.
 
How can we make quitting a painless and even positive experience?

I’m not certain that quitting can be “painless”. After all, many of us experience loss from giving up on a goal. However, we certainly can make quitting a goal a more valuable experience. Try these three ideas:

1. Redefine and re-frame your definition of quitting. Use the ideas shared in these last couple of blogs to consider how you can think about quitting in a healthier way.
2. Deny junk talk- the communication that tears down relationship. That includes the relationship that you have with yourself.
3. Recognize the learning and growth of working towards the goal, knowing that you can leverage new skills and insights on the new path that you take.

*Read Laurie’s perspective on our interview here!
 
Win a copy of the new Goal Setting!
If you contact me to let me know that you’re interested, I’ll put your name in a drawing for a free copy of the new Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals.  Winner will be drawn on Tues. June 3 at 5 PM (EST).

I’m looking forward to hearing from you…

Give Your Goal a GOMO! If it’s No Longer Working for You

Laurie Kienlen, a freelance writer living on a small island off of the coast of British Columbia, recently interviewed me for an article, Giving Up For Your Own Good: When Quitting is the Healthiest Choice, which will be published in Psychologies. Since the second edition of Goal Setting (published by AMACOM) was released just a handful of weeks before her call, her questions intrigued me. After all, my work with goals focuses on powerful achievement, not giving up!

Laurie’s resulting article, reflecting a variety of interviews, is fascinating. With her agreement, I’m sharing her specific questions and my responses.

Why do we see quitting as a weak or negative thing to do- whether it’s giving up on our goal of losing that last five pounds or letting go of a career goal?

One reason is that we focus on the word, “quit” instead of recognizing that wisdom sometimes encourages us to redirect or alter goals because of changed conditions, resources, skill sets, desires and /or payoffs.

A friend of mine is rehabilitating from a rare and debilitating illness. He has gone from a life full of work and interesting hobbies and boundless energy to a life that is consumed by physical therapy, occupational therapy, and the challenges of simple daily activities that most of us take for granted.

However, from the moment that he found himself flat on his back, unable to move any limb and with limited head motion, he made a decision about his attitude. His decision is an attitude of gratitude for what he has had, courage for the present moment and hope for his future.

This friend is living a blend of wisdom quoted from the Dali Lama and Marcus Aurelius. We want happiness, not suffering; and yet, we often allow our happiness to be controlled by external events more than our internal power of choice. Our unhappiness often is not due to an event itself, but to the way that we give it power to influence our mental state. When we make a decision for more powerful thinking, then we can remain content, even in a difficult or hostile circumstance. As Keith Harrel suggests, we need to “guard our ear gate, our eye gate, and our mouth gate.” To move on to more consistently powerful thinking, we can honor ourselves and others by sowing care and loving choices.

Daily, even minute by minute, my friend makes the powerful and personal choice to let go of what he has lost. He moves on to focus on what he can do, on what he can potentially achieve, and on his gratitude for progress thus far.

Why is it that some of us value tenacity or persistence so highly, to the point that it can become detrimental? What influences our doggedness?

I googled, “quotes about quitting.” It’s amazing the number of quotes that focus on, “Never quit.” Rugged doggedness and persistence have been positioned as badges of honor. However, that way of thinking needs a bit of a shift to be emotionally healthier for each of us. After all, “never” is a long, long time. Though I don’t want people to give up because the going gets tough, there is some merit in the W.C. Fields quote, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”

How are we affected by hanging on to something after it’s no longer healthy? What are the psychological effects of holding on to unrealistic goals?

Stress goes up, self confidence goes down, anxiety goes up, and joy goes down. Energy is depleted; a person feels defeated. We feel less smart and less powerful. Our ability to "bounce back" is often hampered. And there are more than just the psychological effects. There is the wasting of resources of time, energy, creativity and dollars when we keep pouring them into an effort with diminishing returns. It just makes sense to consider giving a goal a GOMO! when it’s no longer beneficial to your circumstances and desires.

How we can learn to be good quitters?

That’s a great question; and I’m looking forward to answering it in the next blog!  Have a great weekend…


*Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's most recent online articles: 10 Green Steps to Weight Loss for Woman's Day and Laughter is Good Medicine for Reader's Digest Online. She's the Feature Writer for Psychology Suite101 & maintains two blogs: Writing Quotations & Tips and Inspirational Quotations for Women.

Goal Setting: How to Create and Achieve your Goals is available through Amazon or our office.

Photo Credit: SoZeSoZe

GOMO! The Obstacles to Your Goals

Complete this sentence:
With the way things are going, I’d feel a lot more secure right now  if __________________________.

Did you complete it? If so, read on. If not, just take a moment and do it. Then you’ll find this blog more worthwhile.

A major barrier to achieving our goals is our need to feel secure. Most of us just don’t like feeling scared.

Many of us fear that, if we try something new, we’ll lose what feels comfortable. Just try sleeping on a different side of the bed. Or order something to eat that you’ve historically said, “no” to (Liver and onions, anyone?). Can you throw away your old bathrobe? Ride a roller coaster?

We crave comfort and security; and yet, the irony is that this security can change in an instant. Earthquakes (yep, we felt the earth move under our feet just a few days ago), economic downturns (we’re living that reality), and devastating illnesses yank our security blanket away and quickly change our lives. There’s no surprise to having that desire for security; feeling safe and comfortable feels so good. But oddly enough, many of us are surprised (and angry) that we can’t assure that security.

We want to believe that we can eventually control people and our environment to assure our long term, self prescribed security, but our logic is faulty. The only real control that we have is over our own thoughts, feelings, and ultimate behavior. We can only control what goes on inside of ourselves. To be better at giving attention to that, we need to release our dramatic desires and anxieties about controlling all that is outside of ourselves.

This is really good news. After all, controlling ourselves is a lot “closer to home base” than trying to control other people and outward circumstances.

When we do, we can focus precious energy on building essential coping skills for healthy living in a world of rapid change. Three of them include the ability to accept and manage stress, the ability to assess and take reasoned risks, and the ability to manage problems as part of the natural ebb and flow of life. (How are you doing on those?) When you can do these things and maintain genuine joy for life, then you know that your internal security system has really kicked in!

So how about these questions?

Are you willing to give up some of your perceived security to accomplish a goal?

Do you agree that to “not change a thing” is also a risk?

Let me know what you think by posting some of your thoughts and insights in a comment below or by e-mail.

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