GOMO! Buddies

Strength of Really Big People

"Really big people are, above everything else, courteous, considerate and generous -- not just to some people in some circumstances -- but to everyone all the time" (Thomas J. Watson)

A couple of years ago, seven teenagers spent the night with us. Arriving from Iowa to attend a graduation party, their hosts needed extra beds, so we offered our home. We changed sheets, washed towels, bought food, and looked forward to their arrival.

Our anticipation was soon overshadowed by their curious arrival and stay.

Five of the seven teens said nearly nothing to my husband or me in the 36 hours that they used our home. It was one of the quietest experiences I’ve ever had with a crowd of people. We didn’t hear “hello” when they arrived, “good morning” when they came in for breakfast or “thank you” when they left though we heard them talking with each other just fine (which assured us that they weren’t a troupe of mimes!).

Later, I was talking with my son and daughter about the experience.
I thought their behavior was odd…and rude. My son listened to my story, and then asked, “So Mom, you like being hospitable as long as people say thank you?” 

“Well, uh, yes, I guess that’s true….”

As much as I think I’d like to become the saint who offers hospitality with absolutely no strings attached, I have to admit that good manners and interpersonal courtesies catch my attention. They sweeten the time and strengthen the energy given to serving others.

Words from Ghandi make this point, "When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible."

Courtesies and good manners in the workplace also sweeten and strengthen.

In the past few months, two clients share the similarity of existing in the same community. There, the resemblance comes to a near standstill. One client has an organizational climate of disorganization, tardiness, chronic apology, and defensiveness about receiving the help they requested. The other gives dogged focus to discovering their essential purpose, assures timely meetings and appointments, exudes confidence and delight about their future, and expresses eagerness for new and shared learning and growth supported with sincere and powerful words of appreciation for each other as well as for me.
Which client would you most want to work with each day?

Is your workplace most similar to that preferred client?

Bernie Brillstein, author of The Little Stuff Matters Most,  says that, "Outcomes rarely turn on grand gestures or the art of the deal, but on whether you’ve sent someone a thank-you note." 

Though living without thank-you notes is easy enough, I’m quite certain that existence is vastly improved with the strength of courtesies and good manners.  Would you agree?

I Love You, But...

“I love you, but you need a makeover.”

“I love you, but I wish you’d mow the lawn.”

“I love you, but I don’t want to work with you.”

“I love you, but you’re a fashion disaster.’

“I love you, but I want you to change…”

How often do we offer up, “I love you, but…”

Nearly annually for the past fifteen years of our twenty-eight year marriage, I manage to ask this question at some point during our anniversary celebration, “What changes would you like me to make to make our marriage even better for you?”

After all, it’s great to work on self-improvement, right!?!

Really, my intentions are good. I want to know what would make Doug even happier. And, I want him to know what would make me happier.

Doug’s response, consistent if not especially illuminating, is, “Nothing. I love you…period.”  Sometimes, his response is kind of frustrating because I really do want to change in ways important to him.

“Are you sure,” I ask. “Cause there are several things I want to mention to you…”  And then I dig into my purse for that list.

Just the other day, this annual conversation popped into my memory; and though Doug and I laugh about it every year, I realize that I’m telling him, “I love you, but…”

That “but” tells Doug that something is lacking, that he’s not enough as he is.

Then I thought about what Doug says to me. “I love you…period.”

There’s real comfort in that statement.  He’s telling me that I’m enough as I am.

Which of us has the firmer grip on truly celebrating the strength of our relationship?

What does your “I love you” say in your relationships?  Is there something that you want to change to express even more joy and acceptance of those you most love and hold dear?

I do. And I’m not going to wait. Now is the time to call Doug and say, “I love you…period.”

photo credit

Can You Ensure a “Good Death” for Your Grudges?

Barbara Kate Repa (Caring.com) provided a great article on MSN Health and Fitness a few days ago. Her writing about ensuring a “good death” from this earthly life gave me cause for pause; and I started thinking about the transfer of her ideas to the grudges many of us hold.

How about giving each and every one of our grudges a “good death”—releasing them with a final peace that makes our corner of the world brighter? Wouldn’t that be wonderful for each of us and for those with whom we work and live?

May I assume that your answer is, “yes” and move on to share three strategies for that “good death”?

1. Take a proactive stance with your grudges. Make a decision to release them. Bring GOMO! into your world. Use Get Over it; Move On! to work through your grudge with both your head and your heart.  Then make the best decision for letting that grudge “die.” Receive new freedom with a more open heart.
2. Opt for fewer regrets. In her article, Repa references the advice of a medical doctor in his writing, The Four Things that Matter Most. He says to take care of “unfinished business” in our relationships with loving intention. Opt for love, forgiveness, apology, and/or gratitude in your thoughts, words, and actions. 
3. Welcome “good company”. As you give your grudges and hurts a “good death,” welcome the company of God, a trusted friend, and/or a skilled professional to help your commitment to release grudges and to share in the joy of the release.

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." (William Walton)

So the lesson must be: drop a grudge; extend your life…

photo credit

How’s Your Equation working for You?

A few weeks ago, Lauren was lamenting her daughter’s impatience with her. Specifically, her daughter expressed annoyance with her mom’s easy going perspective about time. In Lauren’s lifestyle, meeting someone at 3:00 means anywhere between 2:55 and 3:15; her daughter says that 3:00 means 3:00 on the dot. She wants her mom to meet her expectation of arriving on time the way she (the daughter) wants it done or she feels angry.

Now I’m betting that some of you are nodding vigorously with the daughter’s point of view; and others align yourselves with Lauren’s more relaxed perspective.  Without debating the time issue, consider what Lauren said next. This is the part that grabbed me.

She expressed an “equation” that’s now been on my mind for several weeks as I ponder the insight of it. She says that Expectation + Reality so often = Disappointment.  She wondered aloud if we would be better off trying a different way of thinking. What if each of us let go of our stringent expectations of each other and instead accepted what we receive from one another as a gift? What would that shift do to the equation and our emotional well being? Here is Lauren’s equation for that shift. Gift (what you give me) + Reality = Joy.

Here’s a recent way that her equations helped me avoid a need to GOMO!.  A friend promised to be in touch to plan some time together. She didn’t call- a miss on my expectation of her. Sure enough, I felt the keen disappointment. Then I turned to Lauren’s second equation to rethink my perspective. I thought about how often this friend and I enjoy wonderful times together, remembering her gifts of peacefulness, generous acceptance, and wonderful conversation. Sure enough, my heart softened as the equation of, Gift + Reality = Joy took center stage in my thinking.

Can a new perspective change the need for GOMO! in your life?

What’s Sinking the RelationShip?

A couple of years ago, a dear friend shared her perspective on conflict in relationships.  Amy offered three categories of how people respond to interpersonal conflict.

1. "Never having to say you’re sorry" perspective.
2. "There’s a wrong to be righted" perspective. 
3. "I just don’t understand you" perspective.

Though I’ve always hated the sappy (and untrue!) line of, "Love is never having to say you’re sorry," Amy’s explanation made sense. In fact, this perspective embraces a light touch of  "GOMO!"  Relationships have their ups and downs, but each person values the relationship so much that a sudden wave in the friendship is viewed as a mishap to get over quickly so that the relationship can move on and focus on its strengths. The turmoil is viewed as part of the ebb and flow of healthy relationships. It may need to be addressed, but then it is released and doesn’t need to be brought up again. Moving On to focus on the love and respect in the relationship is far more important for their time and energy.

If this is a perspective you take, could this quote be useful to you? "Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today." – Cherokee proverb

"There’s a wrong to be righted" perspective. In this case, the conflict is described, analyzed, and discussed until both parties believe that there is a satisfactory outcome. If they both can Get Over it, then the relationship stays healthy and moves forward. Sometimes, though, they can’t come to an agreement. Then a rift occurs. It may be short term or forever, depending on the strength of the relationship vs. the strength of the rift. Here’s a time when a more in-depth GOMO! lends a hand. In this case, the four steps of: Get connected with your feelings, Own the facts, Make a decision for apology or forgiveness, and Opt for action get to work to restore the relationship. Most often, GOMO!’s power provides essential healing.

If this is a perspective you take, could this quote be useful to you? "Human beings love to be right. When a person is willing to give up being right, a whole world of possibilities opens up." – Pete Salmansohn

"I just don’t understand you" means that one person takes the "never have to say you’re sorry" perspective and the other lives by "the reasonable person" perspective. Neither recognizes (or understands!) the others' point of view. Unknowingly, each has set a trap for the other. A conflict occurs; and each responds in a way that is foreign to the other. One assumes a fairly easy release of the conflict; the other wouldn’t dream of releasing it without explanation, analysis and understanding. A rift forms when one person simply lets go of a conflict and moves on while the other remains upset. The wave of misunderstanding and miscommunication often goes on indefinitely, putting increasing pressure on the relationship until it dissolves into nothingness or crumbles with angry words.

If this is a perspective you take, could this quote be useful to you? "Every person you fight with has many other people in his life with whom he gets along quite well. You cannot look at a person who seems difficult to you without also looking at yourself." – Jeffrey Kottler

I’m going to throw a lifeline to one of my relationships; will you?

photo credit

Get Over the Obstacle of Comparisons; Move On to Celebrating Your Strengths

The other day, an incredibly talented and artistic friend lamented her shortcomings as a “Type B” kind of personality compared to one of her “Type A” friends. You may remember that Type A individuals are often described as time focused, high achieving, multi-tasking and goal oriented when their strengths are considered. They often are take charge people who provide direction and leadership.

She compared those qualities to her own as a Type B style, saying that she isn’t nearly so driven, loses track of time, and doesn’t seem to accomplish as many goals as her friend. In short, she described herself as coming up short!

 

If you’re still reading, I’m betting that you are thinking in the direction I’m headed. My dear Type B friend was comparing her weaknesses to a Type A’s strengths. Here’s what came out of her mouth in summary, “My Type B style is inferior to a Type A.”

Whoa…that’s not comparing apples to apples.

So, let’s consider a Type B’s strengths. When I googled Type B behavior for a quick review, strengths include skills of patience, imaginative thinking, creativity, the ability to think philosophically and behaving in a relaxed, easy going manner. Yep, that fits my Type B friend; no wonder she’s so much fun to be around!

Then it only seemed fair to also google a fuller understanding of the Type A style to share with her. Guess what? In addition to the truth of what she shared about strengths of the Type A style, Type A individuals are also described as impatient, insecure about their status, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxing.

Which is better?

That’s a dicey question…

A better question is to ask whether it adds greater value to your self esteem to compare yourself to others or to keep T.A.B.S. on yourself, discovering and caring for your own Talents, Abilities, Blessings, and Skills. What’s your response?

Here’s a fairly quick, but valuable exercise that I shared with her. Perhaps it will benefit you.

Grab a sheet of paper and write out the letters of the alphabet working down each line of the page. Now go back and identify a strength that you have that correlates with each letter of the alphabet. You may make some delightful discoveries about your T.A.B.S. package.

“The most exciting place to discover talent is in yourself.”  Ashleigh Brilliant

photo credit

Thanksgiving is a Time for Taking Too

Do any of you have some useful house “rules” to share while we have eighteen guests in and out of the house over the next several days? Based on some recent stories I’ve heard from friends, it seems useful to let guests know that we really do want to know about a stopped up toilet right away, we prefer keeping windows closed when it’s below freezing, and we prefer that food be eaten in designated areas rather than left in obscure places to be found in a few weeks.

For years, we had a few simple rules that worked for our family: Keep your hands and feet to yourself, mind the first time, and watch your voice, words and expression. Then the children were teenagers and the rules changed: Keep your hands and feet to yourself, mind the first time, watch your voice, words and expression, and use “Happy Smiles” (what!?! I said that they were teenagers)…

I’ve just read an article, Best Ways to Beat Holiday Stress by Rebecca Ruiz; and she provides interesting information that may change my perspective about the house rules over this holiday. Holiday stress and anxiety is rampant with people reporting that they feel irritable, fatigued, detached, and full of angst. In her article, she references Aggie Casey, Director of the Cardiac Wellness Program at the Massachusetts General Hospital who reports that, “regardless of the source of stress, one theme is common to most complaints: a sense of powerlessness. This happens frequently when people sense an obligation to attend a family function or work party and feel as if they have no decision-making power.”

Casey continues, suggesting a de-stressing technique of stopping, breathing deeply, reflecting on the source of anxiety and choosing a response instead of reacting to the situation. According to Casey, it's crucial to rethink or re-frame the problem in order to effectively manage any negative feelings.

GOMO! is closely related to Casey’s technique, five steps that you may want to keep in mind as part of your house rules for all of the holiday season.

Guage your Feelings
Own the Facts
Make a Decision
Opt for Action
!Move On to strategies that build your strength

As I reflect on the house rules for our holiday for our guests and our children who are now college students, I think I’ll keep most of the familiar ones with just a handful of additions to Move On! to a holiday that keeps stress and anxiety at bay.

*PLAN the holidays; don’t manage them.

*PLAN to open our hearts and home to new stories, not old wounds.

*PLAN for blessings.

*PLAN for plenty of thanks giving and for thanks taking of love and acceptance.

*Pray, Love, Accept, Notice

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day."  ~Robert Caspar Lintner

Happy Thanksgiving from our homes to yours.
Susan and Deanne

Take Your Chances on GOMO! Choices

In the past few days, three friends have shared difficult situations that need the ongoing practice of GOMO! (Get Over it; Move On!). Each faces a variety of emotions and facts with the passing of each day. GOMO! gives them the power of choice as each one makes daily decisions to get over what she cannot control and move on to what she can influence.

Just a handful of months from retirement with plans for travel and more freedom, Darlene’s husband is now recovering from a debilitating stroke. He has gone from a life full of work and interesting hobbies to a life filled with hours of physical therapy, occupational therapy, and the challenges of simple daily activities that most of us take for granted.  A hug is painful, eating with a fork is labor intensive, and brushing his teeth is nearly impossible. Darlene is filled with guilt for her resentment about the loss of her life as she knew it prior to her husband’s illness and the interruption their retirement plans. She finds that she weeps uncontrollably, her impatience is at an all time high, and depression is lurking.

Peggy’s husband, a successful and extremely talented business executive, died of depression. He took his life, leaving no information about his decision. Peggy and her family are nearly crushed by the emotional pain. The immediate grief is overwhelming; the emotional pain will last a lifetime.  One daughter, suffering from emotional illness, has made several suicide attempts. A second daughter is plugging away at her life, but her own “secret” of depression is emerging as her low energy, loss of interest in her goals, and dramatic changes in her personal behavior are more evident.

Rachel is still making discoveries about past memories that need healing. In the past, her emotional pain has felt nearly unbearable as she vacillated between inner anger about her childhood years controlled by a bully of a father, frustration that she couldn’t seem to “get over it,” and despair about a future still consumed by her memories of a difficult family life.

Still, each woman tells a story about the power of GOMO! in her life. Each one tells me that GOMO! gives power because GOMO! gives the chance to choose between thoughts that hurt and thoughts that heal.

As Darlene moves into counseling to sort through her resentment, she is also using GOMO! to choose between thoughts of resentment versus thoughts of gratitude about her husband’s recovering health and the incredible strength of their love and marriage for nearly 40 years. She expresses that, “there is a reason that I’ve been allowed this much pain; and I now believe that it is for a higher good that I don’t yet understand, but I do believe that is true.”

As each day comes to a close for Peggy, GOMO! reminds her that, at her core, she loves life; so she chooses to remember what is good and well and courageous in each of her days. She expresses that, “GOMO! is a must. Each one of us must find a way to get over what has happened so that we can move on to living again- not just existing.”

For Rachel, GOMO! means a choice for forgiveness over grudges. Getting over grudges, bit by bit, has enlarged her capacity to love and to live more peacefully. She expresses that, “GOMO! choices have led to a life that is more peaceful than I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve moved on to loving my own family in healthy ways and enjoying friends who have become our family. Who knew that forgiveness would lead to such inner joy and calm?”

GOMO! is an emotional power booster, freeing you to choose healthier ways of feeling, thinking and behaving. What GOMO! boost are you welcoming today?

photo credit: Jocko B.

How to Get Over Defensiveness When You Feel Criticized

Here’s the thing about trying to escape a defensive reaction. The language used in our culture often invites defensive rather than more temperate responses. Many of us are in habits of critical language that create defensive responses. How about a sampling that’s been given to me from the past 48 hours?

A teenager to her mom: “You never want to spend money on me; my friends’ parents buy them whatever they want.”

A boss to her employee: “What the #$% were you thinking? How stupid can you be?”

A boss to a salesperson: “Well, if you could wrap your head around closing a sale, maybe you’d make some money.”

And how about these two from an article on what not to say when on a date?

“I was on this date with a guy who was about five years older than me. I wasn’t expecting him to say, ‘You know, I seemed to be attracted to really young, messed-up women.’ So I said, ‘Hmm… I assume you aren’t putting me into that category.’ And he said ‘No, I’m not attracted to you at all.’ That one kind of brought the conversation to a grinding halt.”

“While out on a date with this gorgeous Italian guy, I told him that I’m a dancer. And though I’m usually very active, I’d recently had knee surgery, so I wasn’t able to dance. I thought he’d be sympathetic to my case, but apparently that passed over him because his next comment was ‘So, now you are going to be a fatty ass?’ I was like ‘What?!’ and he said, ‘You know, fatty ass, like you have fatty ass?’ I was so horrified. I don’t care if there is a language barrier… you just don’t say anything like that. I’m sure he thought he was being funny, but the only view he saw of my backside was as I left, never to see him again!”

And I’m betting many of you heard about Chelsea Clinton’s retort to the student who asked about her father and Monica Lewinsky.

Comparisons, swearing, personal attacks, complaining, absolutes, put-downs, and yelling are just a few examples of the way we set each other up for defensive communication.
Still, we can take a stand and refuse to become victims to lousy communication. Instead, consider handling junk talk more effectively so that you take the high road of mutually respectful thoughts and words.

Consider these six strategies for responding with care rather than reacting with anger:

1. Breathe; and don’t say a word! Just because a criticism gets airtime doesn’t mean that it’s worthy of a response. Sometimes your best strategy to drop defensiveness is to remember that, “silence is golden”. Use it to your advantage.
   
2. Clarify the intent of what you hear. We often feel defensive because of the way that we interpret a comment. Just the other day, I was making a cake and my daughter commented, “You’re making chocolate again?” Somehow, I heard an implied criticism, but instead of reacting to my visceral response, I asked, “What exactly do you mean by that?” to check out her intent. She grinned and said, “I want to lick the bowl.” Way more often than we realize, an old pattern of response from a past relationship or event creeps in to infect a current interaction.
   
3. It takes two. Where two or more are gathered, there is bound to be conflict. Unlike the home on the range, where “seldom is heard a discouraging word”, we are trying to work and play in a crowded, busy, noisy culture. Inevitably, we are interacting with some one or two or more, who are bringing “baggage” into the moment. Often, negative language is not an attack on you personally. You are just a current and tangible target for emotional unloading!
   
4. Junk talk has its followers. Recognize that there are many with whom you interact who embrace critical, judgmental, and complaining speech as a way of life (Just think of bestselling titles that help us learn to deal with this style of communication: Five Love Languages, Safe People, Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have Difficult Conversations, Take the Bully by the Horns). Avoid a defensive response by visualizing a plexiglass wall that prevents the negativity from getting through to you. Then extend words and actions of compassion and kindness as an unexpected gift. Your actions may actually be an invitation for your “in the moment” adversary to rethink and respond in a healthier way.
   
5. Consider the source. Are you hearing the criticism from someone you respect and admire? Is the criticism something that you’ve heard before? Then perhaps it’s valuable to seek more information with the questions of,
   
   What exactly do you mean?
   Can you give me an example?
   How do you think that my behavior needs to change?
   
   Thank the “giver” for the insight. Accept it as constructive feedback that helps you grow into a healthier, wiser person. You have the right to choose what part of the feedback really makes helpful sense to you.
   
6. Choose honesty with care in your response. If what you’ve heard is unfair or disrespectful, it’s honorable to reply. Make a decision to focus on the behavior or issue at hand; don’t throw a “dart” from your personal supply of defensive responses. Remember the GOMO! way of giving your feelings, owning the facts of the situation, and making a decision about the most helpful actions for moving on with personal strength.

One of my favorite lines over the past twelve months comes from Diane Glass, co-creator of the Inner Gardener. She reminded me of this, “just because a thought drops by, you don’t need to invite it in to make itself at home.” I love that. It’s nearly always my choice as to what I allow to take up residence in my mind.

Defensive reactions and responses drain me. I prefer thoughts and feelings and actions that give energy and promote health. What about you?

photo credit: roadsidepictures

GOMO! for More Gladness and Less Madness

Just the other day, a friend was telling me about the challenges that two women have working together in his office.

“It’s unbelievable, Susan. The two of them dislike each other so much that they barely speak during the workday. One leaves for lunch so that she doesn’t have to look at the other during nonwork time. It’s been going on for several years.”

“Years? What do others in the office do?”

“They just know that this is the way it is.”

Can you believe this?
Is something similar going on in your world?

Layers and layers of anger, frustration, and bitterness between two women have become a way of life in an office of seven people. There is madness in this anger. It is folly. *It is lunacy. It is a “piece of stupid” that needs GOMO!.

A “pieces of stupid” is just that- an isolated dumb thing that can be addressed, resolved, and even healed. It doesn’t need to become a way of life.

A friend and I were discussing “mutual pieces of stupid” just this morning. She was telling me her story of needing twelve stitches in a finger after pushing the “on” button with her finger in the immersion blender. I was telling her mine of needing stitches after trying to catch a coffee grinder by the blade as it was falling.  Our “pieces of stupid” caused physical injury. Still, each could be stopped, addressed, resolved, and healed.

We need to do the same for our “pieces of stupid” that cause emotional injury. Stop, address, resolve, and heal. But, who takes the first step?

Many faith traditions speak to the wisdom of managing our anger with more gladness, an intentional desire to resolve the problem and restore the relationship. We are reminded to be angry without sinning. And, of course, the sin is the damage done to relationships, both directly and indirectly.

GOMO! guides the expression of true feelings without being cruel. GOMO! digs for facts that describe the true issue without exaggeration, embellishment, or withholding. Desire to be truthful, to respect others, and to grow stronger through conflict are all reasons for gladness in anger rather than resorting to the lunacy of brokenness.

There’s greater “gladness” in anger when we know it can be short lived, let go. Feeding anger, holding on to anger that leads to bitterness is madness. From biblical wisdom, we learn that a root of bitterness can grow up and defile many…just as it has done in my friend’s office.

GOMO! is a sweet cure.

*What do you do with your lunacy?

Photo credit: shootthatstar